The Sacrifices I Make!

The cookbook I have been working on has sent me on a fun and adventurous journey. I’ve been to Hogwarts, Narnia and a little house on the prairie. I’ve fought in the American Revolution, probed the mind of a teenage criminal genius and dealt with a series of unfortunate events. I’ve even been around the world in 80 days and on a wild ride with Mr. Toad.

Many of these adventures include various culinary delights. Some more than others. J.K. Rowling mentions nearly 200 different dishes and treats, a few of which are mentioned at least a dozen times. I hope I don’t ruin the mysticism of Harry’s world by revealing to American kids what English kids already knew - almost all of the food mentioned in the series is real. Even chocolate frogs are real. Just don’t expect them to jump.

The French and Italians have complained about English cuisine for centuries. Seeing how American cuisine was created from the foundation of English cooking, you’d think I’d say something to defend “Mother England” from a callous culinary beating from the continent. I mean really, the French eat frogs and snails, and I mean real frogs, not the chocolate kind! Who are they to complain about English food? I think all countries have something to offer from both ends of the spectrum. Can you say, “chitlin’s?” I try not to.

So, I’m reading an English classic by C.S. Lewis - a little tome called The Chronicles of Narnia - when I come across the part where young Lucy has lunch with Mr. Tummins the fawn. You have to read the book (the movie, while very well done, doesn’t mention what they ate besides tea) to get the menu. Listed on this menu - sardines on toast.

Sardines. Really. Apparently this is a common tea-time snack in England. It’s a tiny fish, usually smoked and stuffed into tiny tin cans. But you already knew that. What you probably didn’t know was how they tasted. Fishy. There ya go. All done. Ya think? Nope. I’ve never eaten sardines before. I’ve played sardines, but not eaten them and for good reason. I love fish, but I draw the line at cat food.

My grandfather Clarence served his LDS mission in Germany and came home with a love for the “stinky fish” as my grandmother would call it. She compromised and allowed him one tin a year at Christmastime. Now that’s love! But seriously, that’s like me loving sushi after spending two years in Japan. At least sushi doesn’t stink.

But I had to try it. I can’t write about it and try and convince kids to eat it if I haven’t ever tried it. I could play the George Carlin card and say, “It came to me in a dream!” But that would be cheating. So, off I went to the grocery store. It took me ten seconds to find them and ten minutes to check my wussy gut at the door and bring myself to pull a tin off the shelf. I bet I looked like that guy in the Carl’s JR commercial who can’t decide what kind of ground beef to buy. In the end, I picked four different tins. Yup. Four. I amaze myself sometimes. The four that I picked were - plain, marinated in Louisiana Hot Sauce, marinated in mustard and skinless/boneless.

All in all, it wasn’t bad. Just wasn’t good, either. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m not a big fan of smoked fish of any kind. I prefer mine fresh. Maybe it was the skin and tiny backbones. I’m kind of “anti -“ on that front. Maybe it was the smell, which, no matter what it was marinated in or what I did to it (I tried to make a kind of “tuna-fish” type mess with the skinless ones, but it didn’t help), the smell always seemed to permeate up through my nostrils with every bite.
Maybe my love for fresh fish is the defining hurdle in the adventure. Maybe I should go to Italy and try me some un-smoked sardines fresh from the warm Mediterranean Sea. Nah. They eat it with the head still on.

How am I going to get kids to eat this? Let me rephrase that. How am I going to get American kids to eat this? Maybe I’ll just say, “C.S. Lewis has sardines on toast in his book and J.K. Rowling has kippers in hers (same thing, sort of, as sardines). If you can handle it, more power to ya! As for me, I’ll stick to tuna.”