Up To The Gills

In the crazy world of culinary arts, or more specifically, the restaurant business, marketing is everything. It seems people would rather go to a place with horrible food if it has a quirky name and a gimmick than to a place with incredible food with an ambience that is bland and ordinary . Many years ago a restaurant opened in Sandy, Utah that had the whole Wasatch Front abuzz. My family went to eat there, once. ONCE. Not a single thing about the place appealed to me, although I will admit the cliff divers were fun to watch, if you can get past the chance both you and your food will get soggy. Speaking of the food, I’d rather not. Of course, the reason the whole state was gaga over this place was it’s owner - Larry H. Miller. Nothing against the guy, really, but it seems here in Utah, if you want your business to succeed, associate it with LHM and you can’t fail, no matter how mediocre or uninspiring it is.

Of course, I’m not immune to the phenomenon. I have two restaurant ideas in the works and believe me, the hardest part is coming up with a name for the place as well as interesting names for menu items. I have the Black Rattler (named after a Rowan Atkinson character named The Black Adder) which is a fusion of various Old World cuisine with Sonoran (i.e. Arizona). Then there’s my soup kitchen (yes I am the Soup Nazi!) which I call Oliver’s Porridge Emporium. Nothing but soups and sandwiches. See? Quirky name and a gimmick.

It seems that Lemony Snicket was well aware of restaurant marketing when he wrote his Series of Unfortunate Events - The Ersatz Elevator. I couldn’t help laugh when I read about his Café Salmonella. Of course it has nothing to do with food-born illness (I hope), but I couldn’t help being reminded of a restaurant in Phoenix called La Cucaracha. That’s The Cockroach to you gringos. I can see it now. “Hey! Let’s go eat at La Cucaracha!” “What’s on the menu?” “Um, you don’t really want to know.”

Seriously, though. The gimmick behind Café Salmonella is not the bacteria, but the fish, as in poor guy’s so pink his only chance is to swim against the currents, dams and bears on the Atkins Diet for a chance at Ladies Night Out Up The River. Everything on the menu has salmon in it, and the décor is salmon pink right down to the server’s uniforms. That’s major overkill, of course, but it’s still pretty funny.

Of course, the real question is not how to cook salmon, but how to get kids to eat it. Salmon is, after all, a very potent fish. I actually prefer my salmon as the Japanese do - raw, on a ball of rice with a dollop of wasabi. If you can get past the raw part, it doesn’t taste ‘fishy’ like cooked salmon does. For amateur fish eaters I recommend something milder like halibut, sea bass or maybe even a nice ahi tuna (but not canned tuna, unless you like cat-breath).

Yes, salmon can definitely pose a problem for parents trying to get their kids to eat something besides Frank ‘n’ Beans. There’s even a whole book devoted to the lengths a child will go to avoid eating salmon casserole. Some kids would rather eat fried worms.

Here are some samples from the books for you recipe hounds -

Broiled Salmon

Broiling salmon is easy. Move the rack in the oven to the top and preheat the oven as high as it will go - to broil. Ovens have two heat sources, top and bottom so everything cooks evenly. The broiler cooks only from the top, but it gets to about 500°F. Place the salmon on a foil-lined cookie sheet or broiler pan. Drizzle a little olive oil over the top and sprinkle with a dash of salt and pepper. You could use other seasonings such as dill with slices of lemon or Old Bay® seasoning, or anything else you might be brave enough to try. The general rule of thumb is about 10 minutes per inch. Most salmon filets are 1-2 inches thick. It’s best if all the filets are the same size. Since the tail is thinner than the rest of the fish, it might be best to use a different cooking method such as steaming, poaching or baking if you are using a whole side of salmon. The salmon, as will all fish, will flake apart when poked with a fork.

Creamy Salmon Soup

This is also known as a bisque - a rich, smooth, velvety, creamy pureed soup. You can use leftover broiled salmon for this soup or you can steam it, poach it or buy it already smoked.

1 lb salmon, broiled or smoked, shredded.
1 T olive oil
½ medium white onion, sliced
1 tsp minced garlic
1 T dried dill
1 tsp Old Bay® seasoning
1 bottle clam juice
1 15 oz can vegetable broth
1 Qt heavy cream
¼ C sour cream
1 T lemon juice
1 large tomato, diced
1 cucumber, peeled, seeded and diced.

In a large sauce pan, heat the oil and cook the onions, garlic and spices until the onions become soft and aromatic. Puree half the cooked salmon with the clam juice and vegetable stock until smooth. Strain with a fine mesh strainer and add it to the pot with the heavy cream. Bring to a simmer and cook for 10 minutes. Stir in the rest of the salmon, the sour cream and lemon juice and simmer for 5 more minutes. Pour into some bowls and garnish with diced tomatoes and cucumbers.

Chilled Salmon Salad

I’m not sure what Lemony Snicket had in mind when he thought up this dish. I can imagine something like tuna salad only with salmon instead, cooked of course. You just need some chopped celery and onions, a little bit of mayo and Dijon mustard, some dill and maybe a little splash of lemon juice (noticing a trend here?), and of course a dash of salt and pepper. Maybe serve it with some Boston Bib lettuce or baby mixed greens.

Salmon Casserole - How to Eat Fried Worms

This is the book that started it all. I can understand someone’s distaste for salmon. It is a strong fish. But for someone to prefer eating worms over salmon is just silly. This recipe is basically just like the salmon salad - picture tuna casserole but with salmon instead. If your mom has a good tuna casserole that you like, try that one and just substitute salmon.

½ pound Pasta, cooked, cooled
1 large can salmon, cleaned of bones and skin
1 can cream of celery or asparagus or mushroom
1 C Mozzarella cheese
½ C Parmesan cheese
½ bag French cut green beans
1 T dill
1 t lemon juice

Mix all the ingredients in a large bowl. Pour into a greased casserole dish and bake in a preheated oven at 350° for 25-30 minutes.


Salmon Spanakopita

Here is an interesting Greek dish that I think would go well with fried worms…or not. This is actually more of a ‘mock’ spanakopita. A real spanakopita has a pasty crust made from sheets of phylo pastry dough and is usually vegetarian.

1 16 oz carton cottage cheese
2 4 oz carton of feta crumbles
1 large can salmon, cleaned of bones and skin
½ of 9 oz bag of fresh spinach or 1 package frozen spinach, thawed and drained
1 T dill
1 t lemon juice
½ t pepper
6 T flour
4 eggs, lightly beaten

Mix all the ingredients together in a large bowl. Pour into a greased 8 x 8 casserole dish and bake in a preheated oven at 325° for 25-30 minutes.